My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’