“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*eats only grass-fed donuts
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.