Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
You Might Also Like
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield