The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
huge if true: the moon
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.