I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
me and the Superbowl rn
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol