doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
me logging onto twitter
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*updates tinder bio*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed