“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25