My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.