My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
*receives text from wife
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Saint Peter: Name
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Him: this isn’t going well.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.