Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up