I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.