Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
me and the Superbowl rn
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Strangers have the best candy.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
the world’s most popular steaming services
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels