Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones