I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Lunatics are gonna loon.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Optional boss fight.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?