Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed