Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold