30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
That’s incredible! 👌
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
dutch is not a serious language