Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?