Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
the Monday after daylight savings
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.