this was the best i’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.