What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no