Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.