the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
accurate
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.