the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
This is me 🤣🤣
Sticker placement is key.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.