Sticker placement is key.
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.