I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!