“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
podcasts
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.