I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Born to be mild.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Plumber: I think I found the problem
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it