The symmetry is uncanny.
You Might Also Like
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket