Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
You Might Also Like
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about