When did white people become such fucking pussies?
You Might Also Like
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY