When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job