When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.