Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.