Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
![]()
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”