Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
The prophecy is fulfilled
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.