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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.