“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
You Might Also Like
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves