“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?