yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If only.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.