You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.