If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
i can’t wait that long
oh good, now I can stop drinking
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.