“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.


When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!


“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out


It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.


EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it


I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.


uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there


I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.


I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see


ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*