70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie