At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids