I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.