Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.