saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. πππ¦
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Canβt I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why arenβt you eating that
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
ELLEN: so I hear youβre a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean youβre at cvs without me.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: Iβm completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: β¦
(tilts her head)
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pugβs kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
iβm βmy bladder is my alarm clockβ years old.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.