Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Hey I worked for it too!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
What if all the cashiers are married?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.