Hey I worked for it too!
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due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
What the dentist sees
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”