My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.