Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
They did not think through this water fountain
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway