Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW