Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube