employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”