Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
wait.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.